Archive for April, 2009

Don’t judge a book by its…

April 29, 2009


What would people think of you if the only information they were shown were the books that are recommended to you by Amazon after you make a purchase?

I would not have any friends. Also, for the record, I would not elect myself to befriend those who are the folks behind “other recommendations from people who bought this”. My online anonymity can really let out the lame. 2008_08_01_arc.. 2008_08_01_arc..



 I am just saying.


Oh-Oh-Oh no.

April 8, 2009

A couple days ago, the invitations arrived.

As each step of this process goes by, I find myself thinking- holy shit- is this really happening? It leads me to wonder if any person who goes through the whole wedding process even realizes that they are going through it? While standing on an altar, having the first dance, hearing speeches– does any of it seem real? After the wedding ends, after the honeymoon passes, after seeing the initial credit card bill balance, will I even remember everything that went into it? Will I even realize that the last year of my life has been revolving around this event that truly does not even seem like it is going to happen, it does not even seem real.

When I get home from work my daily plan is to mindlessly eat dinner, do some homework, turn on the view or oprah that was tivo’d that morning so that I have some sort of nonsensical background noise to distract me from my exhaustion. 

The past 2 episodes of oprah that I have seen have basically caused me to want to stop time. Halt any and all plans of moving forward. Oprah makes me feel like the only thing that comes from becoming a full blown adult, is a terribly devastating life. 

Basically, according to oprah, all marriages are on the path to fail, due to the ecomic crisis our country is experiencing. According to oprah, all mothers/wives? hate their children and husbands.

Basically, by following this traditional american life path that the world expects, I am choosing to live in a miserable/hate filled anxiety ridden mess. 

Could oprah be right? 

I guess I will find out. I really don’t understand how that could possibly be the case… Is it having children, specifically, that ruins lives?? Or is it just that normal people have to fight for a happy life?

Is this recession nonsense just slowly deteriorating the webs of joy that everyone has been weaving over the past years? Frosty_Spider_Web_IMG_1130 Frosty_Spider_Web_IMG_1130



And, as I am on the brink of making this HUGE life step official, can I really do this? Can I feel confidant about addressing, sealing, stamping, and sending the invitations that are for the event that will allegedly change my life? Is Man-Friend ready? Will it change, or is that just one possibility? 

At this point, I am going to just assume that everything will be the same. It is the safest option. 

The idea of forever is something that I do not know that I completely understand. I do not completely have my mind wrapped around it. I guess some day I will, but right now? I am just going to start assessing the invitations.


April 6, 2009


Although I do not post often, I think of posting often… does that count?

Things have been okay, things have been kind of okay. I have been working about 14-15 hours a day, and although I am still waiting for the financial benefit to kick in (so far I am waiting for it to seem worth it) I know it will be. It has to be. If it doesn’t I am going to kick someone. 

Having lost myself a little bit in the past few weeks, I am suddenly aware of how “on” people expect others to be. I cannot tell you how many times I have been asked “how are you doing all this?” or told “you need to stop this” or “you are killing yourself”, only to follow that up by saying “so you know you can’t stop doing hair, right?” or “I will meet you at the salon after you finish at the day job to do it.” hmmm…

I will say that I do well under pressure. Better than I ever thought possible, to be honest. I am thriving on the fact that I don’t have to think about the wedding or money or table seating or the way I look right now. I will figure all of that out at a later date. I wake up, go to school, then to work, then to salon work, and follow it up by heading home to fall asleep on the couch after possibly getting crabby towards man-friend.  

Currently, I am living off of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, which was not in the pre-wedding diet plan. You know what??? I am so tired and busy that I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT. This is one of the first times in my entire life that I am not freaking out about food, weight, flab, and whether my belly makes me look like I have a due date today or not. I have my trusty pb&j sammiches to keep mme from falling out on one of the 3–6 el rides I take. 


I would like to think that maybe this sudden normal way of looking at food (nourishment, not happiness) is something that will stick with me after this schedule settles down…. One can hope? I guess I keep sort of thinking that I should probably switch from this diet to one of vegetables only, to make sure I feel svelte for the big day, but I already know that I really will punch a bitch of I was to do that. 

I am currently on Spring Break from my college classes, which is how I actually have found time to write on here. Although it is my spring break, and I clearly should be out acting wild and ridiculous, in reality, my schedule has not gotten much better. 

This morning I woke up at 4AM to write the thank you notes for the shower that was in D-town. I finished them, only to suddenly realize that people who I care about have been emailing me, both for social reasons, as well as for haircuts. So, suddenly waking up at 4AM seemed like the perfect idea to catch up on my life. With that in mind, I then had to run out the door to meet with the flower person for the wedding. 

Turns out, flower people forget that weddings do not make some of us feel as alive as it seems to them. In fact, weddings are the pitts.

While the flower lady had lovely ideas, she seemed to think that I was not a very good bride. I didn’t know the detailing and style name of the chairs we had to rent??? FOR SHAME. I left feeling relieved that this was something to check of the list, but also getting a serious reminder of how happy I will be when this is over. en/chile-cl/1/bouquet-.. en/chile-cl/1/bouquet-..

Now, don’t get me wrong… finalizing some details definitely makes me excited for this thing to happen… and of course I will be super jazzed to officially be partnered with Man-Friend.

I don’t want any of you to feel bad that my schedule is wacky. I also prefer that people do not tell me how much I need to slow down or that I am going to burn out. 

I think I am aware of this. 

The thing is… I am at one job where I get to do hair. It is a pain in the ass sometimes, but most of my clients are rad, and I love the opportunity to catch up. Also, if you think about it, I am getting paid to catch up with friends. 🙂

The other thing… my new job makes me feel like I have a purpose. Like all of the terrible things that I have gone through, all of the beautiful things that I have seen, all of the tragic lessons I have had to learn, and all of the positive growth I have seen from myself has guided me to the path of helping other people. I feel like I am meant to work towards mental health support and awareness. I feel like I am going to be someone important in this world, and that my experience, my knowledge, and my work will hopefully help someone else change their own life. 

I am not afraid of overdoing it. I already have. I already am fucking exhausted and on the brink of tears from frustration at my lack of presence in my relationships and my “not work” life. I want to cry  out in anger/sadness/annoyance/frustration that I wake up a handful of times in the night to pee and then cannot fall back asleep do to so many lists of things that need to get done. I am pissed that I have had to start back full time with my mouth guard (when I sleep) because if I don’t wear it, my teeth will grind away to nothing and I will wake up with a locked jaw. Yet, I still  am not afraid of over doing it. 

But if it comes down to helping someone else live their life in a more balanced way, I am totally up for it. soft%20mouth%20guar.. soft%20mouth%20guar..

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